1 year passing.

WOW I have not written a blog entry in a long time over a year now. On the 27th the one year passing of Rayden it was actually a nice day and sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me for finding comfort in that day. I was not super depressed all day or laying around crying I definitely cried don't get me wrong but at the same time it makes me happy to know that he is in a better place and no longer in pain he is not suffering, and I am not suffering by not being able to help him. I am very grateful that I got to call him mine he was my baby boy and always will be he was so sweet and so innocent I wish that this did not have to happen to him but it did. It opened my eyes to seeing that nobody is invincible big or small. I wish he was here with us so that I could watch him grow up and reach each milestone of his life., because nothing would be better than that but at the same time I would hate to be watching him suffer in pain. I am so grateful for the four and a half months I got with him and I would not trade them for anything. as some of you know and some of you dont we have been trying for another baby. It has not really worked out well for us because for some reason I am now having problems, I don't know if this is a sign or not but I am going to continue to try and this is going to be our last if it happens. Trying for another baby makes me super nervous and excited all at the same time I really don't want anything to happen again but I know everything happens for a reason. and I just have to live with the cards I'm dealt and make the best out of my life because as of right now I have three beautiful girls that look up to me and follow in my footsteps and if I want them to be the best they can be then I need to do the same.

5 weeks

It has been a long time since i have done a post. Yesterday marked 5 weeks since Raydens passing it has been extremely hard I have been strong but I have also broken many times in the last 5 weeks. It is hard to still see photos of him and find little things of his from when he was here with us like I was cleaning out the couch and found one of his little shoes it makes me sad, and I always hear the maroon 5 song "daylight" almost every time I get in the car it comes on the radio. I miss rayden a lot I wish that he could be here with us I wish that I could see him grow up and have a life with us but I know that I cannot have that with him . Me and my husband have actually done a lot better than I expected us to, I think that we did a lot of are grieving before he was gone because we knew it was going to happen sooner than later. I am very happy to say that when we brought him home they said he would only be with us for a few days and he was home for exactly 4 weeks. I am thankful for every little second I got with him I wish that I could have more timr but I cannot change anything and I'm happy that I no longer have to see him suffering and in pain. My heart breaks because I feel like without him our family will never be complete. He was my only son and my precious baby it is hard yo express exactly how I feel. A lot of people ask if we will try for more kids and honestly I don't know I am extremely scared now I do not ever want to go through anything like this again but also I do not want to feel like I I am trying to replace rayden because no baby will ever be him. I am so thankful we got to bring him home so that everyone was able to meet him and he was able to be a part of our family and he will always have memories of home. Mommy loves you  rayden. I am missing you more everyday. Rest in peace baby boy. I know you are watching over us protecting us.

rayden has traded in his boxing gloves for angel wings!

my last moments holding him at home

MY FIGHTER!!!

As most of you already know Rayden  passed away Saturday morning at 5 am he traded his boxing gloves in for angel wings. It was a bittersweet thing when he passed away we are sad that we will no longer be able to love on him and watch him grow but at the same time we no longer have to see him struggle and be in pain. He went vary peacefully without seizures like the nurses anticipated but the last few days we had with him before he passed you could tell that his pain started to become more unbearable he started to need his morphine every 2 hours and he never seems to look as comfortable as he had before. we are having his services tomorrow Wednesday May 1st and it is going to be hard knowing I will never see his sweet face again. I would give anything to just be able to hold him again or feel his heart beat but at the same time I never have to see him in pain again. I miss him so much my heart feels like it is shattered into a billion little pieces but I know I can not bring him back but he will always be with me in spirit. I love and miss him so much and would do anything to be with him again. He is my angel and I am so blessed he was my son and he chose me as his mom.i am very honored to have been able to bring him home and share so much time with him he was so sweet and the cutest little angel  baby ever he put up such a good fight and i am happy he made it is long as he did i brought him home on a Saturday and he left us on a Saturday he was home with us exactly 4 weeks and i am going to cherish every moment of every day. i am going to remember every little smile and every time he opened his beautiful little eyes i am going to miss him but i know he will wait for me in heaven.

3 weeks and 2 days hom

 well it looks like I have been doing about one post per week sorry that I do not put more blog entries on. But really there is not much of a change he has been home now for three weeks and two days and he is doing as good as he can under these circumstances. He did just develop a cough and a fever these last few days it is so sad cause everytime he cough he cries and then if you cries he starts to cough even worse you can tell that it hurts him and it breaks my heart but all I can do is give him medicine to help his pain I wish there was more I could do for him but as we all know I cannot. They are doing a huge dance benefit concert for ryden on Monday May 6th it starts at 7 p.m. there will be food and a lot of live entertainment dancing and singers, and there will be a bake sale/silent auction in the lobby area the tickets are $8 at the door so if you are in town and have nothing to do we would extremely appreciated if you came and enjoyed his show and showed us your support. They only expected rayden to be here for about two weeks and he is still here so I am really hoping that he will make it until his show so that everyone there can meet him and see just how cute he is in person thank you all for the support please come to the benefit concert if you can they are selling Raydens fight t shirts and they also have wrist band bracelets so let me know if you would like to purchase anything thanks again and I will definitely update if anything big occurs.

home for 2 weeks and 2 days now!

SORRY I WROTE THIS BUT IT NEVER POSTED.........
well we have been home with rayden for 2 weeks and 2 days and he is still with us i am very thankful that i am able to spend a lot of time with him he is just so cute and both of my girls just love him. the hospice nurses come over every few days and they check on him they have told me the things to look out for so i will kind of know when the time is getting near but so far i have not seen the sighs thank goodness the only thing i have really noticed is that he gets irritable a lot easier now you can tell he is in pain and it breaks my heart we just take everything day by day and hope for as much time with him as we can get but also hope he does not have to suffer long, we love him so much it is getting harder and harder every day to imagine him not being her with me. i finally took him out of the house yesterday cause the girls really needed to get out so we  took them to the park and we went to wal mart grocery shopping he did well he just  slept the whole time. on that note i have hardly slept since he has been home i don't want to miss one little thing with him he is just so darn cute. he has had lots of visitors lately it is nice to see how many people care about him it is amazing how true the saying is that when something bad happens your true friends come out, thanks to everyone who has been here for us and supported us. and a big thank you to my neighbors jen and cam you guys rock they are always checking on me and making sure we are fed and have everything we need you guys are seriously such a big blessing also setting us up with the vault/kalamity dance group that has been doing a bunch of fundraiser events for us it has helped so much you guys have no clue how thankful we are to you all, and of course my whole family they rock. mt aunt came from California with my cousin it was awesome to see them i loved having them here. i know i have not been writing a lot but i really am just holding onto rayden every second that i can. love you all.

hes home

Well I I am going to make this short Raydon came home with us yesterday because we had a meeting on Thursday after my husband got home and the news was not so good we have decided to bring him home and let him spend his last few days with our whole family so that everyone can meet him. They do not know if it will be days or weeks but I am going to make every second with him the best moments of my life. Thank you everyone for reading we love you all and we hope your havin Happy Easter I know mine will be the best 1 ever.

crib

Well Rayden finally got out of the heated hospital bed today he is now an a baby crib because he is maintaining his temperature on his own tomorrow we have a big meeting with the doctors his nurses and the neurologist and all the other people that have invested time in his care. I am excited because I want to know exactly what they think the outcome for his future is going to be and to get multiple peoples opinions on his future I will keep everyone updated thank you all love you and keep up the prayers they are much appreciated.