WOW I have not written a blog entry in a long time over a year now. On the 27th the one year passing of Rayden it was actually a nice day and sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me for finding comfort in that day. I was not super depressed all day or laying around crying I definitely cried don't get me wrong but at the same time it makes me happy to know that he is in a better place and no longer in pain he is not suffering, and I am not suffering by not being able to help him. I am very grateful that I got to call him mine he was my baby boy and always will be he was so sweet and so innocent I wish that this did not have to happen to him but it did. It opened my eyes to seeing that nobody is invincible big or small. I wish he was here with us so that I could watch him grow up and reach each milestone of his life., because nothing would be better than that but at the same time I would hate to be watching him suffer in pain. I am so grateful for the four and a half months I got with him and I would not trade them for anything. as some of you know and some of you dont we have been trying for another baby. It has not really worked out well for us because for some reason I am now having problems, I don't know if this is a sign or not but I am going to continue to try and this is going to be our last if it happens. Trying for another baby makes me super nervous and excited all at the same time I really don't want anything to happen again but I know everything happens for a reason. and I just have to live with the cards I'm dealt and make the best out of my life because as of right now I have three beautiful girls that look up to me and follow in my footsteps and if I want them to be the best they can be then I need to do the same.